written in October 2014
I just wanted to share a little bit about our journey and God's faithfulness through all of this. It has been very helpful for me to be very open through the process. It makes me feel comforted to talk about it with others and know that others care and have been praying for us. And I really wanted to write it down because it was an incredibly shaping season of my life and maybe it will encourage someone else in a similar situation.
To be completely honest, I am writing this portion before I am even pregnant. But I have so much faith that it will happen soon! Don't get me wrong, there are sooooo many days where I feel so defeated and that it will never happen. But I know my God says to have faith in him and I know he will provide through his plan however that may happen/look. I am currently in my first cycle using clomid and have an ultrasound in a few days to find out whether my follicle(s) are fully mature (which means there is a possibility I could get pregnant this month). This has been a long road.
A couple weeks after Reese turned one, we went on a vacation just the two of us. It was wonderful and we decided we were ready to start trying for baby #2 when my period returned. I had just weaned Reese before the trip and it ended up taking about 6 weeks for my first cycle to start. We tried for 5 long cycles and finally got pregnant! It was so wonderful and we were so ecstatic. Then we went in for our first appointment and ultrasound around 7/8 weeks and found out there was no baby. I had had what my doctor called a blighted ovum. In my limited understanding, it basically means your body thinks your pregnant, but no baby ever develops. We were going on vacation less than a week later, so after discussing with my doctor (and having multiple more tests and ultrasounds to confirm), we decided the best option was to go forward with a D&C procedure to end the pregnancy and move on to trying again after a couple cycles.
This hit me so so so hard. It was hardest to be honest just accepting and realizing the fact that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It was so shocking and devastating. I had two good friends who were a week or two apart from me and it was really hard thinking about how I wouldn't be having a baby or celebrating any pregnancy milestones along with them. It still hurts my heart thinking that November is right around the corner and knowing I probably would have been due somewhere around Thanksgiving. I know it will heal tremendously once I do become pregnant (hopefully that is soon).
We waited a couple cycles, due to the doctor's orders, then were able to try again. I quickly got pregnant again the second cycle we were allowed to try and once again was over the moon, but very hesitant this time to believe it was the real deal. My doctor did more blood work this time to check my levels. About a week and a half in, my hcg level went down to a 3 and I got the phone call saying I would probably miscarry in the next few days/week (I did the next morning). My doctor was so sweet and called me from home that night to discuss everything with me and make sure we were doing ok. She said it was most likely just a chemical pregnancy and the baby was unable to implant due to my lining not being thick enough so soon after the D&C. It was heartbreaking, but at the same time much better than the last loss. We were so hesitant to believe it was real this time and finding out so quickly was much better. I was so comforted to know that its not uncommon after that procedure and that it didn't mean I'll never be able to carry another baby (the scary thoughts that run through your head!).
We did the same thing and waited a couple cycles and decided to try naturally for a couple more cycles just in case. My doctor suggested clomid on the phone call, but I was scared of increased chances of multiples and just wanted to try a little longer on our own. No luck, so now we are onto our first cycle. From how my doctor has explained it, it will help me ovulate a mature egg (not something I probably do every month on my own) and increase our chances of having a successful pregnancy. I've taken clomid days 3-7, estrogen days 8-12 and will go in on day 15 for an ultrasound to look at the follicle(s). If it looks able to be fertilized, I will receive a shot that will make me ovulate in the next 24 hours, then will take progesterone through the end of my cycle or all the way through the first trimester if it happens this month. Clomid also helps your body have a regular/predictable cycle. I can't describe how excited I am for this and to know when I will actually ovulate! My cycle ranges from 30 days to 50-some and even though I use those ovulation kits, they can be very hard to read.
All this to say, I am finally thankful for this season. It has been a season of waiting and trust and just incredible growth for me. Its been incredible to walk through it with Corey and grown us so much closer. But it has brought me to a new place of faith. I've never felt closer to God. I've never felt so held by him. You know through this journey so many people have said to us, just trust in God because he has a plan, and so on. My response in my head (and in discussion with Cor) has always been, trust me I know! He has been the only thing keeping my head above water!!! And I just want to say I am not writing this to say oh my life is so hard, I know there are so many people who have walked through much worse/harder seasons. But I do think its ok for me to have been deeply sad during parts of our walk. And I want to share it because I want to share how He carried me through.
This season has been so much about growth for me. Its been about learning to trust and learning to love others and not be angry or jealous and to be thankful for this moment right now and all that we have in this life and so many other lessons. And I can't even begin to describe how special its been with sweet Reese. I am truly so thankful for this season of just the three of us, even though this is not what we planned or how we would have picked it to go, God knew what was best and how special this time would be. He is all sovereign, and for that I am thankful.